does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
I see more hoeing in ur future
Randomize
