I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Randomize