I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Drunk is a universal language darling
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
