True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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