I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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