booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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