our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
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