it's too hot outside to masturbate.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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