You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
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