I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
