Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
Randomize