P.S. I can't hear my feet
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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