i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
don't judge my taste in strippers
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
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