No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
