This dress was meant to end up on your floor
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
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