I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
