Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Cover your peen. We're going out.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
