GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
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