I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
