My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Randomize
