my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
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