Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
I know they r crazy. However porn on a big screen is an easy commitment. They come with mute, stop, fast fwd and replay buttons. if only all women came that way...
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Randomize