Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
