Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
NoShamevember. You game?
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Randomize
