I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
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