i wish there were pregnant emoticons
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
