Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
