You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
