watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
handjob tips. give me some.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
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