why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
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