My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
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