His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
