Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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