Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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