my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Are these your boobs on my camera?
Randomize
