i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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