I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize