I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
I'm such a slut...i kept having sex with him after he called me his ex gf's name. I just felt like i deserved something out of it too.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
