do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize