I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize