im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
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