I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
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