Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Randomize
