So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
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