Tell her she can't have a vagina
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
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