I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
