Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
The feeling are messing with the penis
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
