I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize