Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Randomize
