i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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