It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
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