so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Randomize
