So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
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