Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Randomize
