I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
