Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Randomize
