Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.�
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
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