Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
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